5 ways to talk to a colleague when work is becoming too much
We often notice earlier than the person themselves that work is no longer doing them good. And just as often we stay silent, because we do not know how to bring it up without overstepping. These five moves have proven helpful in coaching.
Do not stay silent, speak to the person
The first and hardest step is to break the silence. Not from diagnosis, but from observation. A simple “I see you” is often the decisive thing. It signals: you are not invisible, and what is happening to you is not irrelevant. In the first moment, more is rarely needed.
Use I-statements instead of judgements
“You are completely stressed” sounds caring but is a verdict on the other person. Better: “I see how long you have been at the office. To me it feels as if you are quite at your limit.” Speaking from yourself leaves the other person sovereign over their own experience. They can accept it, correct it, or simply say: I am fine. Whoever feels, is right, and that holds for both sides.
Ask questions instead of telling stories
Skip autobiographical detours and references to your own stress. What is meant as comfort shifts the conversation back to you. Instead try: “Who or what could help you right now?” An open question opens the solution space the other person cannot enter alone at the moment. That is worth more than any well-meant parallel.
Refrain from giving advice
Unsolicited advice often lands as a small blow. It usually comes from your own unrest, not from the other person. Instead, ask questions that hand the lead back: “What would do you good?” or “How could I support you, concretely?” This requires more patience than a tip but is what actually carries.
Acknowledge the limits of your role
You are a colleague, a leader, a friend. You are not a therapist. If you sense that this is bigger than what the two of you can sort out together, the most courageous sentence is not another tip but: “I think this is bigger than what we can resolve here between us. Would you like to talk to someone trained for this?” Naming that limit is not rejection, it is responsibility.
What sits behind it
Behind most moments of silence is not indifference but uncertainty. We do not know whether we are allowed to step in, whether we will say the right thing, whether we might make things worse. That is exactly why it helps to let go of the idea that the conversation has to fix anything. It is not about solution, it is about presence.
I-statements are not a communication trick but a stance. They make the difference between a verdict and an observation. “You are overworked” speaks for the other person. “I notice your day was particularly long today” leaves them the room to place that as they wish. This asymmetry in favour of the other person is often the actual gesture.
Asking instead of advising is hard, because our reflex is to help by knowing. In truth, asking helps more. A good question forces the other person to look briefly into their own solution space, instead of being supplied from outside. That strengthens what stress takes away first: the sense of being capable of acting yourself.
Perhaps the most important sentence in this list is the last one. No one has the task of saving another person from everything. Whoever tries takes on a responsibility that is not theirs and becomes part of the problem. Knowing the limit of your own role and naming it openly is not less care, it is more. It is the kind of care that does not burn out.
Frequently asked questions
- When should I speak to someone in the first place?
As soon as you notice something is different from usual: longer hours at the office, thinner responses, withdrawal, irritability, a tired look over several weeks. You do not need to wait until the picture is unambiguous. A careful observation early is more valuable than a conversation too late.
- What if the person says everything is fine?
Then that is their answer, and it deserves respect. You have still done something important: signalled that you notice and that you are approachable. A short message two weeks later, without pressure, keeps the door open. Trust rarely emerges in a single conversation, but in reliability over time.
- How do I notice when this is bigger than a colleague's chat?
Persistent sleep problems, lack of drive over weeks, social withdrawal also in private life, or dark thoughts hinted at between the lines. These are not topics for a coffee break. Here the most respectful step is to name the limit of your role openly and to point towards professional help.
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